YouWish

If there is a god then, this year, he/she has surely decided to be very literal-minded indeed.  I wished I could have a short break – I was sick with swine flu for three weeks.

I wished not to hear another musical rehearsing for a little while, because for the previous three weeks I had two of them rehearsing in rooms neighbouring my home office – one downstairs, one next door – and the Council pitched up and gave us three days’ notice of some 19 weeks of ’street improvements’.

Among the bracing rhythms of the jackhammers, diggers and angle grinders I regained my appreciation of Sondheim and Lloyd Webber… but my wish for the */=+$?! Council to hurry up and finish their work went unheeded.  I was starting to feel like a character in a Terry Pratchett novel.

So I’ve been a touch cautious about wishing for things of late, except where it was something I could safely wish for on here without bringing down a dose of divine misinterpretation.  I was clearly not precise enough in my other wishes, but I have learned my lesson for the future.  I no longer wish for good weather, because that requires some subjective evaluation.  Instead I wish for a day of clear blue skies, bright sunshine, low humidity and zero precipitation, preferably with a temperature in the mid-seventies.  I’m pleased to report that this wish has thus far been met with divine indifference, so I must be doing something right.

If you think this is a little extreme, you’re probably right, but it’s nothing compared to one American man, who has a very clear wish of his own he would like to fulfil.  The Finding My Goddess web site could be described as a technical specification for the ideal woman the site’s owner, Mark, wishes to find.  It’s extraordinarily detailed, both about the goddess Mark is seeking, and the man himself – possibly more so than is necessary, as I’m sure most potential goddesses don’t need to know he’s a tantra master, for example.

I’ve been watching the site for the last few months, curious to see whether the goddess would be found and, as of September 3rd, it would appear the goddess has indeed been discovered living in Europe.  And yet…

While most of us would confess to having an ideal in mind when discussing a partner, we talk in terms of general traits – hair or eye colour, good sense of humour, level of educational attainment, common interests.  Likewise, whe we post a wish for a product or service on YouWish, we have some general characteristics in mind, certain criteria that need to be fulfilled.  But in most cases, we don’t define it down to the nth degree, not least because that’s closing off other opportunities.  It acknowledges we may not have things quite right, and that we’re open to alternate ways of achieving the same goal, perhaps with a better solution than we might originally have imagined.

So what happens now for Mark and his goddess?  While she apparently meets all his extensive criteria, he’s still soliciting back-up applications.  To date, all we on the outside can know is that she has ticked all the many boxes on his list.  But where’s the fun in that?  Where’s the spark?  I can’t help wondering whether the woman in question has found a lover or an employer, given the nature of the recruitment process.

If we are not open to be surprised, delighted, contradicted even, where is the joy in life?  Pleasure can be anticipated, and may indeed live up to expectations, but to rule out the spontaneity of attraction, whether it be to people, products or services, strikes me as terribly sad.

Fortunately, for the rest of us at least, the god of divine misinterpretation is there to make sure our best efforts to eliminate the unexpected are thwarted.  My swine flu resulted in my husband and toddler son only contracting mild versions of the illness instead of catching a nastier, mutated version later in the year, while I finally got some precious sleep.

The Council effectively closing our arts space down through noise pollution made us fear for our livelihood (and the roof over our heads) but it also allowed us much-needed time to upgrade the spaces and even take on a booking for Woody Allen to film here with Antonio Banderas, which has resulted in more enquiries for future projects.  Even Tower Hamlets Council were prepared to move their diggers elsewhere for the sake of that one week.

No matter how extensive Mark’s list, it can’t encompass the whole of any human being, and even the most detailed of specifications falls short of simple human nature and its ability to contradict both description and prediction.

So let’s wish Mark and his goddess every happiness, but with a friendly word of caution.  I know from his web page that he’s not a rock fan.  So he may not be familiar with a certain Rolling Stones lyric that he might wish to bear in mind: You can’t always get what you want but sometimes, you just might find… you get what you need.

I have a confession to make. You remember that blog post where I decided to post a wish for a personal trainer, just to see whether that might be a way forward for me? I so very nearly did it, but I’m ashamed to say I bottled it.

Was it asking too much of myself, I wondered? Would I really be able to find the time, or would work and life and motherhood get in the way again? Perhaps it would be better to give it another few months, given it’s going to be getting hot outside again soon (I hope!) and such weather wouldn’t be conducive to vigorous exercise for a lady of my proportions.

And you’re absolutely right. These are all cop-outs. The truth is that I sought and in short order found a few spurious reasons to stay away from exercise and ignore the spectre of the diet that really needs to happen if I am to avoid finding my own place in the Guinness Book of Records one of these days.

I am apparently that lazy. And it takes a special kind of laziness to not even bother to lift one’s hand as far as the mouse, click on a link and type a few words in to create a wish, then wait and read whatever results come in. How much effort does that take? It would probably expend about 5 calories, assuming I swung my arm a few times before letting it alight on the mouse.

Except that I’m not, in truth, a lazy person about most of my life: I work, I’m a mum, I cook, I sing, I write, I spend time with friends and there’s rarely a time when I’m not actively doing something. So why should this whole issue of diet and exercise be so different to other areas of my life? Is it because it’s difficult? I’ve done difficult, not scared of that. Is it the money? No – if hubby can justify buying a pack of fags a day, I can spend just as much on a personal trainer without feeling guilty. Do I want to stay fat? Hell, no. So what’s going on?

The fact is, there’s a nagging part of me that thinks any personal trainer I agree to meet is going to take one look at me and, once they’ve stopped crying with laughter, tell me there’s no hope and I should go straight to a gastric band without passing go. Or that if I ring round a few in Yellow Pages or have a look on Gumtree or somewhere, I’ll find nothing but toned and vacuous gym bodies who aren’t into doing clients who need quite so much work as me.

Fortunately, it seems one of my friends has started reading my blog posts on here. She has pointed out that the whole beauty of YouWish is that I get to post what I want and have no contact with people or companies until I’m ready and am sure I’m talking to someone who will accept me as I am and work with me.

No more excuses, then. If you’d like to join me and gain safety in numbers, the wish is here.

…is apparently Paris Hilton.

No, I’m not kidding.  And nor apparently is her lawyer, who should have been held in contempt for such an obviously baseless description of his client.

So busy she’s never seen a mobile phone bill, and doesn’t know who does see her mobile bills.

So busy she can’t remember what she was doing two weeks ago and simply Googles herself to see where she was.  Even though she does little more than attend parties and go on holiday.

Personally, if asked to say who the single busiest person on the planet was, I’d probably come back with a not very original answer along the lines of one of the many heads of state battling with recession, war, poverty or selling climate change initiatives to big business.  Or possibly Her Majesty, who still has a fairly punishing schedule of engagements despite being well past retirement age.  And if I was feeling flippant I might even suggest Madonna’s adoption lawyer was a better candidate than Paris Hilton for this title.

And yet, there are times when I would pick someone relatively unknown.  My mother-in-law, for example, who is in her sixties and spends much of her life attending meetings in far-flung places as an advisor to UNESCO and whose work will have a far greater long-term impact on the world than Paris Hilton’s.  

Or a friend of mine who is a stay-at-home-mum of three kids aged 4-13, one of whom is profoundly autistic.  Her time is almost entirely taken up with delivering the kids to three different schools, sorting out the housework and planning wildly varying meals to accommodate the likes and dislikes of her family.  And giving her kids the attention they need outside of school in order to flourish – and they do.

Or people who run their own companies and who have the commitment to live and breathe that business, while still managing to find some space for family and friends.  

And sometimes – like many of us, I suspect – when I’m pushing up against a deadline while simultaneously trying to sort out my son’s tea, listen to what he’s been doing at pre-school and juggle a phone call with a couple of urgent email exchanges, it feels like the single busiest person on the planet is me.  It’s all a matter of perspective.

And there’s something I can do about it at least.  Rather than privately wishing I had a babysitter, or a personal menu planner and grocery shopper, or a PA to handle correspondence and phone calls so I can get on with doing the things I can’t delegate, I should probably get on and post these wishes on the site.

But right now there’s one overriding wish I have: I wish I was only as busy as Paris Hilton…